my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
