Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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