Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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