So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
