My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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