I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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