did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
