Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
