Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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