i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
