One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
