we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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