Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
