OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
