It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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