My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
