also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
