I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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