so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
