Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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