The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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