I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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