her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
