I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
