apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
