I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
