Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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