Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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