dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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