I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
