she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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