some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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