you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The uberlube is also flammable
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
