I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
