he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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