Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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