You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
