I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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