everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
