remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
