atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
