he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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