I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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