but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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