does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
