So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
