Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.