it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dating After Heartbreak
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.