Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
MIDGETS
????
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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