Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
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Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
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I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.