dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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