Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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