I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
