Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
try to milk me bitch
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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