My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
