When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
