this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
