It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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