Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
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After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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