my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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